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there which offer to ’upgrade’ the standard shocks, please understand that all they really end up doing is taking away any resemblance of ride comfort. Sure, your bike will no longer bottom out. But what’s the good of that if your Softail starts riding like a rigid?To any rational man’s thinking, a set of shock absorbers must firstly provide a comfortable ride with progressive, non- dramatic compression and rebound. Also, they must not allow the bike to bottom out and they mustn’t lose any performance when they heat up. The standard ones don’t do any of that, and no tinkering by so-called experts is gonna teach them how because they’re just not designed for it. It’s that simple. So having said that, it’s easy to see why a bike shop upgrade of your standard suspension is only a stop- gap measure at best, and you’re far better off saving your bickies for the ’Final Solution’ – a set of "Pan-Cruise" shocks.Now, a word of advice: read the instruc- tions very carefully prior to installing the shocks.Why is this, you ask? Well, if you’re like me, you usually only look at the instruc- tions after you’ve tried to build/fit/adjust/ repair whatever it is and then find it doesn’t work. So in order to avoid problems with shockies, nervous breakdowns, and wounded Frenchmen, read the instructions first. The shocks aren’t hard to fit – the procedure just needs to be understood, okay?You’ve just gotta get used to itWith the shocks in place, Bertrand explained that they can be adjusted for ride height without sacrificing comfort or perform- ance.The "Pan-Cruise" units come from France ready, willing and able to support up to 30 stone worth of rider and pillion without bottoming out. If you’re heavier than that, or you’ve gotta thing about tubby women, then there’s no problem pumping them up. But be advised that you shouldn’t try pumping the shocks up unless you have access to a very high-pressure air-delivery system. We’re talking a system capable of delivering a minimum of 356 psi, and you’re not gonna find that at a service station.Aware of this, Bertrand has a system where you ’buy’ the special pump from Fournales Australia hang onto it for two or three months while you sort the suspension out if you’re not happy with the factory setting. Then he’ll buy it back of you for what you paid for it.But let’s get back to the actual performance of the shocks.They were fitted to my Heritage on the 22nd of March, 1991, and as I write this on the 22nd of May, 1991, the shocks have been bounced through 7885 kilometres of Austral- ia’s finest potholes, man-traps, corrugations and canyons. They’ve been loaded, over- loaded, used and abused, and not once (and I find this totally amazing) have they bottomed out or failed to provide anything but the best possible ride.It’s not a question of moneyThe only drawback is that while the back- end performs with the finesse of a million- dollar where giving head, the woeful behaviour of the standard front- end is dramatically highlighted I mean, you don’t really notice how bad your front-end is until you’ve improved the back-end. So when you get around to it, a bit of French for the front wouldn’t go astray, okay, Jean-Pierre?What I’m trying to say, without sounding like an advertisement for "Pan-Cruise", is that they really do work. In fact the bloody things work so well you’ll suddenly find yourself riding what seems to be a new bike. No longer will you have to flinch every time your bike crunches into the highway’s deepest and finest (I found myself flinching from reflex for about two weeks after the shocks had been fitted each time I saw a big hole, but that was purely a learned response induced by the old suspension and now no longer applies); never again will your head sound like a castanet as you shudder through the latest government ’upgrading’ – the "Pan-Cruise" system copes with everything you throw at it – you just grin and gun it.In the first week I upset myself. I rang Bertrand and demanded to knowwhy my bike was suddenly grinding bits of itself away every time I tried a high-speed corner. Could it be that my ground clearance had been affected by the new shocks? Bertrand laughed and explained that he gets phone calls like this from time to time. He explained that since the bike now handles better, doesn’t wallow and tracks he a train (despite the best efforts of the front- end), riders tend to enter and exit corners a good deal quicker than they did on their old shocks. So the ground clearance hasn’t changed, but rider confidencehas, hence the grinding.All that aside, this is the bottom line:despite the government’s desire that we view them in a benevolent light and all their announcements that the rip-off price we pay for petrol is really giving us better roads – we all still know they’re full of shit. The roads are not going to get any better, regardless of how much we pay for petrol. After all, we employ lots of public servants to make sure it stays like that. So what choice do you have? Keep riding your standard shock set-up, bitch continuously about it, and hope you don’t do yourself any permanent damage while your bike slowly self- destructs from all the impacts? Or invest $1265 (plus $35 for postage and handling) and find out what your $12,000-plus Softail should act like.As for me, I’ve established the following:a) The "Pan-Cruise" shocks are the best thing I’ve ever put on my bike apart from that spun-out blonde girlie I kidnapped last week.b) Bertrand is never gonna get the shocks back.c) He’s really never gonna get them back, ever.d) I hate my front-end.e) Girls who shave their pubic hair like it doggy style.Now they aren’t cheap. Quality merchan- dise never is, and the fact of the matter is that these are the best there is. It’s safe to say that once you’ve done a few hundred kays you’ll wonder why you didn’t buy them sooner and hate your front-end just like I do.I don’t know if you can barter with him, but if you want to get in touch with Bertrand, fax him on (03) 5278 1072, or write to him at PO Box 1925, Geelong, Vic 3220. And if you wanna talk wholesale, then Bertrand’s gotta special plan where everyone can make a lotta money and supply the whole universe with shocks. It requires no actual cash outlay on the dealer’s part and there’s no dead stock lying around.If it sounds good, give him a call. If nothing else, he’s a big jolly bloke who’ll put you in a good mood.Bull-Bar